Tonight's High Man Is...

Souksangouane Phengsene. This guy can't be stopped.

5 bucks to the man who can name the origin of this name - cause guess what? it ain't on geneology.com... imagine that.

RIP Malik.

It was the spiders

— NBA rock legend J.R. (don't call me names from the Bible) Rider arrested in stolen car




Now, J.R. Love, as we all know, invented the East Bay Funk Dunk, which is legend because it was the first world-witnessed spectacle of a through-the-legs dunk. The technical savvy in the art has been since elevated in the software upgrades of Vince, another J.R. (Jason Richardson), Gerald Green and... on and... Soon someone is going to do a flip and the EBFD will be but a coffee stain on the Final Summation.

J.R. gave us such Lawrence Taylor-esque gems as claiming he could be found hanging out on street corners shooting dice with his friends in Oakland because — of course — those are his friends and that's what they/"we" do.

And now he's stealing cars and racking up cocaine possession charges. [Sigh.] Doing coke with J.R. seems like it would just be a nightmare wave of never-ending repetitious fragments aimed generally at you about how fly he was.

J.R., you just wanted to get too close to the sun. Too high. Too fast. Too young. All that rock. All that dust. Back to Mars, J.R., you were too hot for this world.

The story of the first true Rider sure was entertaining though, if truncated and peppered with ill decision. It's comforting in a twisted way to know that little J.R.s like Richardson and Smith are out there abiding— takin' it wild for all us easy goers. Indeed, to one of the greats:




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Oh, yeah, Filly the Grid is getting up and getting stronger getting stronger GETTING STRONGER in the brackets. All you MFn Freddie Fall Offs can eat it up 'til you hic' it up. Did anyone else hear Billy Packer talking about high-cotton during Memphis-Texas garbage time? Racist.

Anyone anyway?

Tonight's High Man: Lebron James. The King said of his Vogue cover with Ms. Jizm: "Everything my name is on is going to be criticized in a good way or bad way. Who cares what anyone says?"

Appreciate that. Zen. Everyone in the world can say that about their self at any time. But to say it from within the magnitude of a spiritual pressure in which only a few humans deal, that is some flowing robes brilliance. Sometimes Lebron seems like such a caricature, a new jack MJ in the sales racket, saying the right thing, turning the triple profit. But then he does something like drop a koan, or walk up and introduce his self to Tiger like a regular adult greeting a co-worker— and Tiger is certainly that.

Together Tiger and Lebron run separate departments in the business of athletic stardom; topline models, no garage-station knockoffs.

How are you doing in your tourneys? I'm 164 out of 171 in this ultra competitive Asian league that cuts the ass cheeks off the last-place finisher. I got solids coming up in the sweet 16 though. Please god, be solid.

Now, in the spirit of the tourney, THM presents some ol'-timey college yack-em.



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Axis: Ball as Love

Hendrix Set to Enter The NBA Draft.

Bill Walton stoked.

Chris Webber R.I.P.

R.I.P. Chris Webber. I'll hardly miss you.

Wait - he's not dead? Merely retired? Ah hell. He's still dead to me.

Take it away, J.A. Adande!

"His career can almost be defined by what he didn't accomplish: never won an NCAA championship, never played in the NBA Finals, never won a Most Valuable Player award, despite all of that talent. What will end up as the high point of his playing days -- two trips to the NCAA's championship game in two years of college -- isn't even recognized by Michigan because of a booster payout scandal. Gone. Not there. Stricken from the record."

I can't believe J.A. left out the failure of his rap album, "2 Much Drama."



(I did NOT Photoshop this. This is actually real.)

Things are Going so Well.

I thought the trade was a gift from Yahweh him/herself. Fil thought is was blasphemous. Somewhere in between is probably the truth, and in the end, no one knows whether this move will turn out good or bad for the team. Until we truly know, all we can make are judgments based on statistics and outcomes. And how many hearing-impaired players are on your team.

Well, we've gone and signed a deaf man.
To play professionally.
For the Cavs.

I'm serious.

Look, I'm all about this kid finally getting League pay, living the dream, and ultimately helping Cleveland to the playoffs by giving our 4 bigs a big rest before the playoffs. But the headline alone worries me: "Cavs Sign League's First Legally Deaf Player"





Right now, somewhere Damon Jones is pissed because he always considered himself the Cavs' most deaf...



Actually, all the other Cavs consider the new guy pretty lucky -

he can't hear Damon Jones talk.

Delonte West is Cinemax

ESPN featured Lebron talking to Tiger Woods at the Orlando Magic's house Monday. The ol' nba.com doesn't even show it. But the highlight du jour was Delonte blocking former St. Josephian Jameer Nelson — on a fast break that started because Delonte tried to find Big Z with a time warp pass attempt-gone-turnover. This was sometime around mid 3rd.

But there was even a show before that. Delonte spun out of everything around him, over and over, like you just kept hitting the spin-move button — each time you got the ball. And Delmonte, the Good Fruit, kept getting rebounds. He always seemed to get the rock out of a muddle in the paint. He was an illustration of energy at high control.

Accuracy at scatterbrained rates is what has always attracted me to sport. But what DGF did is not what ESPN shows us on its abasement parade of dunks and final shots that zoom in on the ball so no one sees what's actually going on in the place where the activity is happening. Sidenote: Instead, sports videographers have been taught the baffling technique of zooming in on the one inanimate object around which the game is played. They think this is brilliant but all it does is take us to the one dead zone in an orgy of live drama. What Delonte does, some may say, is only to be noticed by the sports pedant. I say he's doing something right there for everyone to see, pop culture just chooses to focus on shock and awe. That's not a condemnation, per se, I want to see dunks too. But, and this is why owning the LPass or having NBA TV is so crucial, Delmonte Fruit spinning back and forth and dribbling behind his back 90' from his own basket to start a fast break is fucking amazing.

And they'll never show it again.

This is why the sports argument wins over the counter argument raised by girlfriends that dedicating time to watching sports is the same as watching reality television. They replay that shit until the advertisers' palms are pruned. Sports happenings happen once. If notably iconic, clips of a few plays may live on from an entire year of playoffs. On the long timeline, only a few seconds of life carry the entire history of even the most noted sports and their so-claimed and sometimes deserved "defining moments." All the other bits of spectacular are only reviewed by austere historians. In essence, this is what makes ESPN Classic a good idea. Not that it's executed well.

So, from a forgettable Cavs loss, gone forever is the 'double L'Emmanuelle': a spin move so luxurious they only made it in Europe, but in the late 90s a template was stolen, only to be re- lost somewhere in urban East of America. We know who found that tape. And it ain't Walleye ScerBRICK.

Big 3s and dunks will always get the bands and waves, but the grand marshall always remembers the face of one small boy waving in the crowd, not the plaque. No one asks if you'll tell them about the plaque, they want to know what happened around it. They want to know who you had to fight dirty against, where the extra gas was hidden and why your gutter perspective is gleaming.

History doesn't record the perfect moments, it keeps its own files in terms of things like plaques and stats and highlights.

Recognize and Rest In Peace.

First, I can't cleanly deny Fil's assessment of Wally to the Cavs so far - and I admit I am too much of a homer to clearly judge what his affect will be on the team. Hell, I even have him on my fantasy team. And through statistical data, that's partially why I can't ignore that Fil is actually making sense here.... Wally is shooting 32% since joining the Cavs. He shot 46% with the SuperSonics, and was their 2nd-leading scorer behind Durant. Last night, he played 12 minutes.

But here's what doesn't show up on a stat sheet:



Crazy.
Latrell Sprewell is pulling Wally away from a fight. A fight with Gary Payton no less. I LIKE THIS. I don't like how low Wally jumps, but I love that he backs down from no one.

And so it goes- the ups and downs of ol' Walleye. He's on his 3rd team in 2 years. He just had his third child right after being traded. He's tired. (I'm tired.) But calling him bitch-made, Fil? No. Wally's mother is a fine Spanish woman. DeShawn Stevenson is bitch-made. So is Bruce Bowen. And so is Tiki Barber, but I don't have to present evidence to that last point. The first two, please allow me to demonstrate, to Fil and the world, what truly is "bitch-made."

Case Point #1 - Bruce Bowen. (Case Point #1A why I hate the Spurs. Points 1A-3L to be presented at a later date)

! !

The look on his face after the call (not even on him), and the subsequent suspension (so very long overdue) -and hell, just the way he sounds on talk radio. What mother made you? I hate your cheap shots, you are not invited to my party.

Case Point #2 - DeShawn Stevenson (aka BooBoo Dooden's BFF from O-Town)
This week DeShawn Stevenson of the Wizz called Lebron "overrated." Read that again. Here's the proof. Please DeShawn, take your beard and go back to Oakland. They need you there doing Civil War reenactments. You'll play Abe. I'll be Wilkes-Booth. Is it a date?



When I read it again, I can't help but hating the authors bloggers as well.
Seriously. Look at these faces:



One of these busters said the following: "He (LeBron) also didn't like getting knocked to the ground by Brendan Haywood late in the game. The foul wasn't all that bad but James reacted as if Big Brendan crushed him. He had that scowl he gets and he was looking at the ref like the guy forgot to mow his lawn or something. If you remember, Brendan gave out a similar hard foul in the playoffs during the 2006 series. For a guy who always talks about how he played football in high school, LeBron sure doesn't like contact."

"Like he forgot to mow his lawn or something."
Insert eye-rolling emoticon here. Seriously, you guys are fags.


Now for a couple of personal notes:



1. I started architecture school this week, George-Costanza-style. Expect my input to be mas limited. Fil, pick up the slack. Or maybe Big D or Dr. Passion or J Rhodesia would like to join the ranks. Invites are needed o'blog-master.

2. RIP, Mac Morrison.















so awesome they even named the gym after you.
I wish I got to know you better.
...I'll be in Bucyrus for the funeral.

so for now, Happy Saint Patty's Day. drunkards.

And I can't find work? Anderson Varejao = Brazil Laimbeer

So, sorry I haven't been around to comment. I missed you, but hunting for a job is the shittiest of all the jobs to have. But there've been so many high men out there lately that my absence, dutiful or not, can no longer suffice.

Terrel Prior being made into an action figure: amazing. And the fan who got too excited about Lebron's fiddy, Monica Seles anyone?

First I want to announce the the nickname of Anderson Varejao. I've been referring to him as Brazil Laimbeer for two seasons and it needs to hit the internets — BIG — because he's finally hitting the jumper. And he shoots it on his tip-toes, just like the original Laimbeer, the lame beer.



You know what's fuct about the picture above? It's only from last year. And just for the record, I hated Bill Laimbeer. When you call someone at school a "fuck" — he's a "fuck". And that's his game, he stood in the lane and tried to fuck you. Varejao is an equal but opposite Laimbeer, he stands in the middle of the lane waiting for you to fuck him.

Laimbeer is white, Varejao is Brown. Short straight hair, long curly hair. Even number, odd number. But both are lanky, duck-footed with soft-hands and a knack for stirring frustration.

Also, I like Sideshow Varejao. Laimbeer, as much as he was easy to hate, was a doGGG and he was vital to the Bad Boys signature. Varejao is that for the Cavs. Every other team hates him and even some Cavs fans hate him, but he's our Brazil Laimbeer, and when the Cavs win it all in two years, he'll be there hoisting the trophy... while laying on the ground.

Brazil Laimbeer. Spread it.


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I'd also like to reiterate my fears about the Cavs trade, the most deep-seeded of which is that the Bulls turn it around, make the playoffs as the 6 and defeat Cleveland in Round 1. LBJ's points are up and his assists are down. You know how a degree or two temperature change, on a large enough scale, is devastating? Those stats are the tells of basketball team chemistry plate tectonic pressure. Somewhere deep within the Cavs structure, a crack is fissuring.

Delonte is nice though. He's a red-haired, lefty, tweener who is perfectly cogent but sounds a little like a short-bus version of Tim Meadows' Ladies Man, with a strawberry on his lower lip. That's Free Darko as far a I know. Inventing another short-hand descriptor would be redundant. Delonte and his FD-ness makes plays, and despite his waif silhouette he gets up on the glass.

Please stay healthy.

Fuck ScerBRICK. Anybody who sympathizes with him 'n his is bitchmade. Joe Smith has been interesting. The other night Ben Wallace had four rebounds in the first 5 minutes. He finished with 6. Asshole.
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The Phoeniz Suns mascot is choking on the gunk in his throat in this amazing anti-tobacco campaign that seems to've learned nothing from the Just Say No ads that created a generation of Yes.

The gorilla raps. And there's separate sections for "Talk to Us" and then the more free form "Rap to Us". The best is the site is called personalfoul.org and there's no Rasheed. It is an anti-smoking campaign I s'pose.
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Finally, this week's THM is the group of illegal immigrants who sewed the word "Los" on the Suns and Spurs jerseys before Sunday's contest. This collage is dedicated to them:

Notes from the Heat Wave.

1. More awesome news for fans of Miami basketball (I am not one of them) - Dwayne Wade is surprisingly hurt again, and Pat Riley is too busy to coach because he is so into March Madness. Go Heat!

2. Earlier, in a post where I ripped the Houston Rockets after Yao's broken foot, I also took exception to the rest of Houston's roster. I called out Tracy, Rafer, some other dude, and Carl Landry. Well, Houston has won 18 straight and Carl Landry is balling out of control. Touché, Carl. Touché. Happy to motivate you. For the record, some other dude can still suck it for all I care. I hate you Texas. All of you. If I could give you back to Mexico, I would.




3. Bill Simmons wrote a great "what if" piece on the League. SO great. remember Jay Williams from Duke? Should have been you, Kellen Winslow.

I Heard Cat Stevens Hates the Olympics too.

link: That dern Dalai - what a gossiper!

Remember the Titans

1. Remember Theo Ratliffe? The Pistons signed him, to play professionally. The rest of the League holds its collective breath, waiting for Joe Dumars to yell, "SIKE!!!" Keep waiting, this is real. "It's been a great journey, I've been on a lot of bad teams," Ratliff said. Hmmm, I wonder what made those teams so bad? Dumars has also added Maryland champ Juan Dixon, a rare black man with Spanish name. His parents were drug addicts, so no one holds that against him. If I could have picked my name, it would have been Elton.



2. Remember D Miles? I barely do either, except that he had a sweet "antlers" type celebration with Q Richardson when he was on the Clippers roster ... and those overweight years in Cleveland. Word is he has played his last game for the JailBlazers. Count me as not surprised. The Blazers seem to be doing fine without him (except that they still pay have to him), I doubt they would take any chances screwing up their team chemistry. Where will he land next? Safe bet: the Knicks.



3. Remember Robert Swift? Seattle's honkey high school center and 12th-overall pick in the 04 Draft? No one does. Not even Seattle. "Swift is currently the only white player to ever be selected straight out of high school to the NBA." Thanks Wikipedia! Well, he had a successful surgery, but when it's your 3rd, I wouldn't start calling them successful. He is only 22, but at some point, pro teams need to start looking at how all these big men fare at such a young age in the League. (more Oden, anyone?)



4. Remember Tony Battie? He's the guy who saved Paul Pierce's life after that stabbing incident in Boston. (Paul was stabbed 11 times in the face, neck and back, Battie drove him to the ER) Tony's set to return to the Magic here very soon. He's under the radar, but he's actually a pretty good Big. He'll add some depth to Orlando's front court before their playoff run. And if nothing else, you know he's got Dwight Howard's back. And if DW is Superman, is Battie... Jimmy Olsen?



5. Remember PJ Brown? excuse me, Collier Brown Jr.? Everyone's still talking about how the Celts picked up Sam Cassell (38), but they also landed PJ (also 38). PJ was a 3-time NBA All-Defensive Team (is that real?), and his favorite actor is Denzel Washington. He said Paul Pierce and and Ray Allen talked him into coming back. Last year the Celtics were one of the youngest teams in the league. This year... "seasoned" maybe? Venerable? How about just plain old?

Weekend Notes - Joga Bonita.

Weekend notes? Yeah, it's Tuesday. I know. I voted. I'm awesome. My amazing weekend officially ended this morning at 10AM. I had rollover vacation time I needed to use before it expired, so hello Spring Break 2008 - since Cancun tickets are so over-priced I started this week's Spring Break festivities just like the Birdman would. Is this supposed to make sense? Game vodka, double-headers, freelance, kielbasa. Dr. Bob, Big D and I went and balled up Como Park. Who knew grapefruit & vodka is the new Propel? Joga Bonita!




On Saturday my esteemed colleague and I, Dr. Bob Passion, watched League play, the double-header that featured both Lebron & Kobe. Good afternoon? Why, thank you! The early game is the East coast game (Cavs v Bulls, post-trade), followed by the West coast game (Mavs v Lakers, post-trades). Here's what we learned:




1. East Coast basketball is hard on the eyes. It's the warm-up game that gets you ready for the 4'o'clock game. Both teams looked terrible, till Lebron turned it on in the end, proving he is the best player in all of League play. Until the 4th quarter, who really cared about this game? Larry Hughes? Only 40's and Dominos kept us afloat for this crapfest. Cavs win, I am happy. Let's do laundry.



2. The West Coast is the Best Coast. Not in rap, but in basketball, who can argue with that? The Mavs v. Lakers game was infinitely more entertaining from start to finish. Talent, teamwork and competition, on every level this was a better game. No surprises: Kobe & Pau, Kidd & Dirk. Excellent all-around game. Joga Bonita!





It was 60 degrees yesterday. Supposed to be 19 degrees again this weekend. I love you Ohio. 6 days left of Spring Break Paradise remain! Wish me luck guys!!!

It's Time for the Birdman to Fly

Tonight's High Man is Chris Anderson, long-time weirdo and newly reinstated member of the Charlotte Oklahoma New Orleans Hornets. He got kicked out for using any/all of the following: methamphetamine; cocaine; LSD; opiates, including heroin, codeine and morphine; and PCP.


surprising.

More awesome facts:

"Known as "Birdman" for his high-flying dunks, Andersen was a fan favorite among Hornets fans. He is best known for his performance in the NBA's dunk contest in 2005 when he needed eight tries to finish his first dunk.

Andersen was the first player kicked out of the NBA because of drugs since Stanley Roberts in 1999."

I remember watching that dunk contest. He looked right into the camera and said, "it's time for the Birdman to fly." Then he missed 7 dunks in a row. and he's 6'10".

Welcome back, Birdman.
The ceiling on this season just got a little higher.
I think this is the final push the Hornets needed to make that title run.

I was really hoping the Hornets got this Birdman though. Just sayin.

Eat A Dick Clay Bennett

Clay Bennett = Art Modell

I've been through this. My friends, family and I lost our Cleveland Browns to a self-centered owner back in the 90's. (editor's note: if I see you in public, Art, I will razz you and your whole ice-cream crew. but lucky for you, Baltimore is a subjacent city- I ain't going there anytime soon.)

It's happening all over again to Seattle. Check out this simpleton:



By now we've all heard that the Seattle SuperSonics are more than likely leaving Seattle because of billionaire-owner Clay Bennett. My opinion falls in line w/ ESPN smart-alec Bill Simmons, who this week collected angry emails from SuperSonics fans around the globe. His statement here sums up my feelings pretty nicely:

"After being part of the city for 41 years, the Sonics are being stolen away for dubious reasons while every NBA owner and executive allows it to happen, including David Stern, the guy who's supposed to be policing this stuff. I think it's reprehensible to watch someone hijack a franchise away from the people who cared about the team and loved it and nurtured it through the years. It belittles not just the good people of Seattle, but everyone who loves sports and believes it provides a unique and valuable connection for a city, a community, family members and friends."



Read part 1 and part 2.

Then pray that David Stern gains the testicular fortitude to not allow this to happen.