Cavs win in game refereed by Captain Crunch

—and other existential notes exploring the black man’s authoritative role in basketball’s form and the white man's taxin'



Lebron did nothing. The Cavs blew their lead. They mis-communicated and under-performed. On the last play of regulation in Monday’s 76er contest, after a true basketball shot was made 76er Michael James, Lebron drove poorly and was blocked. Devon Brown was then bumped in a mutation of a play that didn’t matter. Everyone walks off the court. Then they walk back on to see Devon hit two free throws. What? Phili should’ve won, didn’t. Fuck it. Watch ESPN or something.

Devon Brown said after the win: “I couldn’t see anything or focus on anything. Emotional.”

“I just wanted to get it up in the air. And they went in. Hey?”

Cavs announcer Antoine Carr said he had “ice water in his veins.” More like gummy bears.

Why Ohio teams love to win seemingly finished games via technicality is beyond my comprehension. And that sucks because winning by the whistle is cheap.

The other homer Cavs announcer Fred Mcleod said Samuel Dalembert had “the look of a man who committed a sin.” Tears hadn’t formed but his face did have the upturned salad look of imminent sadness. That and Sam raised his hand, but in the deafening confusion limply let it fall as no one knew what was happening.

“Sin”, eh? The foul is the sin. Basketball is the thing. The rules are the boundaries of the thing. Basketball’s rules could change anytime and we’d still have basketball. God is life, society its boundaries. We could change society anytime and still have life.

We could easily change it.

But we don’t. Society changes stupidly and with hiccups and riders good ol’boy networks. I’d like to stake claim on the overall kindness in the white man’s culture, but he certainly has a lot of pedantic rules that seem to kill the essence of an activity’s intent, like enjoying life or understanding that in the matter-of-factness of basketball the hand is part of the ball and sometimes players just run into each other and that's ok.

Which leads me to this question.

If the black man had invented basketball, would there be fouls? If that is incorrect and someone shows me that the sport was in fact invented by the black man, fine. Whatever. Then the question remains, if the black man had control of the game, would there be fouls? Or at the least, would the foul structure and referee regulation change. For the better? For the worse?

Presumably if Obama wins the election, some change will come in this country's societal structure. It seems obvious that if any black person had some true power, he would change the prison hierarchy straight away. So many men and women get wrung by our system, mostly because of drugs, poverty and mis-education. These are all fouls, but should they mean you can't play? People who like three-strikes laws — white men in power — say yes.

Talk about the phantom foul call of all sins: drugs. It makes sense drug addicts be dealt with medically and not criminally. It makes sense that two people running and jumping next to each other at top speed might touch. Yet each is dealt with criminally.

It doesn't make sense that so many shady-ass dudes (drug suppliers) have a lot of power in this country just because we don't want to part with some bogus anachronistic ideal of leftover puritan dreck. It doesn't make sense that refs have so much power. Yet each is left to his own devices?

The players play. They decide. Fouls are not basketball. Fouls are rules. They can be changed. The beauty of the game is free motion, not arbitration. The essence of basketball is the round ball, running, jumping, throwing, aiming, teamwork and individual creativity. We can change anything but that and still have basketball. Foul shots are more like croquet anyway.

Double bonus, team penalty, one-and-one— scrap it all.

Why should there foul outs? Jeff van Gundy is the only guy I’ve ever heard voice it, at least in a live broadcast, that it’s ridiculous players foul out.

Damn right.

Take a step out of basketball culture’s shoes and think about it terms of weighing all the action against all the consequence. It feels like a fly-by-night rule someone thought up just because there needed to be a rule. Like it was 1893 and the first ever rule book went to press at 8 a.m. the next day, but the scribe was busy boffing. That’s seriously how shit gets started in this culture. A screw up makes it to print and sits around for a hundred years, its perception gilding with time. To those in the greatest generation and the boomers, the older and more irrelevant something becomes, the wiser it is. A precedent it is.

Bullshit it is.

In the microwaveable Ramen cup generation, it's wack that some industrial revolution era opium fiend slept in and never correctly crafted a penalty structure, and now here we are in 2008 stuck with Devon Brown’s gummy worm cool winning a kangaroo court. I think Devon Brown is gay. (Devon, if you’re not, cool. I am not saying I have proof, I am just guessing you’re gay. If someone said about me they thought I was gay, I’d just be like, ‘Whatever, I know I’m not and my girlfriend is the smoke.’ So, if you’re not gay, I hope you just say that and move on. But if you are gay, I fuckin’ knew it.)


----------//


P.S. Everything I feared about the Cavs trade is coming to fruition. Staph infection in Z’s brain coming next. Four doesn’t replace two and Delonte is the golden pear, a legend, a myth, a bygone tale of treasure and catastrophe.

Will Starbucks Save Basketball?

Finally someone is stepping up and telling David Stern and Clay Bennett to stop robbing Seattle of their basketball team. And that certain someone just so happens to make a delicious caramel macchiato ("caramel, espresso and steamed milk makes this a signature Starbucks drink")

"Starbucks chairman and CEO Howard Schultz, who sold the Sonics to an Oklahoma City-based group led by Clay Bennett, will not seek monetary damages, but wants the team back, according to his attorney, Richard Yarmuth." - full article here.

Yes - the owner of Starbucks , with enough money to sue God herself, is going after Clay's OK regime. And I couldn't be happier. Hell, he could call them the Super-Howards for all I care. I just think Seattle's getting a raw deal.


photo caption: sooo many similarities between these two.

Now I won't feel so bad supporting a coffee mega-corp. Wait, I never really did. That coffee is damn good. MMMMMMMMMMM... Tastes even better now.


photo caption: I just couldn't resist.
this broad's hair is dope and he's the best muppet ever.

Phantastical Staph Infections

photo caption: my rogue cleric is kind of a 2/3 slasher with tremendous upside.

1. My b-ball fantasy team is "battling" for third place. And by battling I mean "after I was knocked out of the championship I switched back to an all-homer squad." So welcome aboard Daquan and Conley! I can honestly blame a staph infection for my poor performance. Back in the early goings of the League season, Kenyon Martin had a staph infection in his ass. Seriously. With those knees, and a staph infection in the tookus, I waived him. With a quickness. Then his ass recovered and went on to have a career-year. Whatever. Like you people give a rat's ass about my fantasy team. (ZING!) But it leads me to my next point...


DO NOT GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH "STAPH INFECTION"

2. Browns' WR Joe Jurevicius has a staph infection. Are we starting this already, Browns? Dammit!!! Really?!? We lead the league every year in these infections, I swear. NOTE TO SAVAGE: GET JANITORS. And keep our players out of the river, would you? At least until the stiches are removed. You'd think this is common sense.


photo caption: The New 2008 Browns Logo Finally Unveiled


3. Lastly, and certainly most completely related, is this gem of a find of the fantasy baseball waiver wire. Angel Pagan's fantasy notes are this summer's must-read... "Pagan is a good pickup in all formats as he is now hitting .387 with 10 RBI." ... "Pagan hit in the leadoff spot over the weekend with SS Jose Reyes out with a hamstring injury." Angel Pagan is making big things happen for the Mets- how does he do it? Here's a few guesses: (1) Astral Projection (the Monroe Technique, of course!) (2) Power Animals (3) Goddess Oil.

My guess is #3, but Angel's not returning any of my texts, so really I have no way of knowing.


photo caption: totally killing it on my fantasy squad.

Sit Down, Damon Jones

Reportedly and statistically, Damon Jones is out of Mike Brown's rotation for the playoffs:

"As Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown has tightened his rotation for the playoffs, he has again decided to stop playing Damon Jones. There is only enough room for four players at the guard positions, and Brown is going with Delonte West, Daniel Gibson, Devin Brown and Wally Szczerbiak. Mike Brown made the same call regarding Jones in each of the past two seasons.... Jones has struggled in certain defensive situations (editor's note: ALL DEFENSIVE SITUATIONS) during his time with the Cavs, which has contributed to the coach's decision. " - full "article" here.


photo caption: even GP thinks you are terrible to be around.

Checklist for decision-making:
1. Damon Jones is a defensive liability. always.
2. Wally's good shot is back. thank God.
3. Boobie is back. thank God.
4. And Damon is just plain annoying. always.

Well played, Mike Brown.

Jiminy Christmas! (or) How I Learned to Hate You Cricket Wizard

How I fear you, Wizard.
For now matter what happens now,
we will meet in the first round.
Your tempest spells; our +2 leather armor.



So top in college-
So amazing in League Play!
How have you been traded so many times?
Pray your hip flexor flexes you yet again.

Stay down Wizard!

STAY DOWN.




death don't play - keep away

Take A Hint, Steven A. Smith

Heard today on 1460theFan that Steven A. Smith has just lost his ESPN radio talk show... this coming in the same year that he lost his "Quite Frankly" ESPN television talk show, as well as his sports column at the Philadelphia Inquirer that got him started in the first place...

Now's your chance Steven. Time to change the game.

STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE.

People get yelled at all day: by their bosses, spouses, parents, kids, angry drivers, etc... When people come home to watch SportsCenter or basketball, they don't want the pattern to continue. It's a game Steven, and it's supposed to be fun.

Steven, listen. You can call me if you need to talk. But don't start yelling, ok? Cause I swear I'll just hang up. You're not the only one who's had a long day today.






btw - happy 50th post, THM.

Chuck Liddel Wishes He Had A YouTube

photo caption: K-Fed looks to save Iceman the trouble.


Evidently, Chuck Lidell has a problem with the popularity of Kimbo Slice... and maybe the new deal with CBS.

“I could make some impressive knockout videos too if you let me walk outside and just punch people and knock them out—“hey you, come fight!” Liddell told The Sun. “F*** we can make a highlight reel tomorrow and go round beating people up and talking about it. We could just go up to people and start dropping them. Wow!”

Yeah. It's called Bumfights, Chuck. Get the internet.

read it all here. (thanks Unkie Matt for the link)

Kaniel Dickens, Cavalier.

the following is a real email exchange between Fil & Boombox regarding Kaniel and this photo...

F: that's his real name and he plays, currently, for the cavaliers

B: best chest passes ever

F: except when you catch it, the ball is flat and your hands are bleeding. And Kaniel. Just. Keeps. Running. At. You. "We're on the same team! AHHHHHHHH........"

B: "NO KANIEL NO! DAMMIT KANIEL!" it's why he never stays out of the D-League for long...just realized his name would be cooler if he was daniel kickens. maybe that is why he is so mad all the time. simmer down dude.

F: totally, that was the first thing I thought. His real name sounds like an accidental pronouncing. Of course he throws it as hard as he can every time.

* * * * *

if he reads this, we are totally dead.

Presented as hilarious, unto itself

Yo, check it yourself.



Don, that is your real card for life. The shitty thing is he was the first dopeness from NY, even before Pearl. And his nickname was Slick, which is right up there with Fast and Two Times as least trustworthy nicknames. Although Slick enjoyed actively improving the community and is still beloved in Seattle. Thourh you could argue that just means he's satisfying the requirement to be slick.

Why the card doesn't say Slick, who knows? Apparently everyone called him such. Maybe the Topps brass had something against Slick, like he slept with the V.P.'s daughter after she went to a game. Topps sure didn't do him any favors in the pose.

Also, look in the background of that card. I bet those Sonics teams sure had fun bake sales. 'Slick, who put the mescaline in the banana muffin again?' Then they all laugh because each did.

Slick was also the first dude to really rock the headband, not just wear it. Peep the decoration? Wayne Chism is gnashing.



Slick, in honor of your fine choices in personal ornamentation and Chris Paul actin' bitchmade and truly birthing his self into the next Isaiah, you're injury-addled but 'super good dude' career makes you Tonight's High Man— that and the new Cavs bums are sooo pissing me off. And Sonic love may be a dying endeavor, so....

... to an OG THM, SLICK WATTS!!!!

This is Worse Than Roger Clemens in the Owner's Box

He's Back.

"Showing a flare for the dramatic, Arenas waited until the 5:30 mark of the first quarter of the Wizards' game against Milwaukee on Wednesday night to emerge from the locker room in uniform.

He entered the game 9 seconds later to a big ovation and scored on a reverse layup with 4:49 left in the first. It was his first points since Nov. 16 against Minnesota."

When I search for dramatic flare, know what I find?

Tonight's High Man Is...

Pau Gasol. (take notes, Adam Morrison. and insulin. zing!)

why?
1. Cause he's pretty dern good.
2. He was traded for his own brother. Like an orphan. Or indentured servant. For some reason I really admire that.
3. Cause the photo above even exists. AND especially this one.

I love you NBA.