Taxes. So What? Notes from Cavs/Hawks

We died. That's what happened.

Zombie THM now brought to you by:

• G A M E N O T E S from Dec 13, 2008
  

Delonte West's anger management was superb at the 5 - 3 mark, when off a lolly gag pick he dribble drive dunked. Marvin Williams was loosely involved. Hawks score. Cavs back on O. Typical long possession, long offensive rebound, dribble around, pass in to Lebron far out on the left block against Marvin. Now further out. Further. Spin baseline and impossible fade on Marvin's average defense.

Dunk champ, Human Highlight, Top 50, Living Legend turned announcer/keeper of the "Dunk-o-Meter" Dominque Wilkins was stunned. "There is no defense for that."

The sideline camera panned to Williams.

—— "you SUCK, MARVIN. yoU SUCK, NI***!"

It was crystal clear through the replayable magic of League Pass Broadband. I rewound to remark the display. Atlanta is not known for it's formidable crowd or even engaged auidence. [Ludacris sited later though, reminiscing about Nique dunking.] This, however, was very engaged.

He would return later to announce the sucking of Walleye Scerbiak-ak-ak-ak [sic]. It was like a sideline reporter from a dollar theater on the dollar theater side of town.


- - - -- - - -


Let's kick it to Kevron now for a live report, Kev.


"Kick your face. Fuck you. One.

"Two. Lebron from [unintelligible]. Col' yokin' on'em. And the other thing is [cell phone playing T.I.]... the other thing is... Fuck, get this camera shit out of my face..."


Thanks, Kev. How about Joe Johnson's blah blah blah...


- - - -- - - -



Where is the NBA piano styled emotional enema where [---that---] happens?

Moving on to later action.

With 45 seconds left, after one long rebound and then a lot of hardworking ball movement (the Cavs love this offense), Delonte rushed a three from the corner to beat the shot clock. Josh Smith sent the shot so far into the crowd. So far.

Then in total ownership fashion, as he was descending toward his own hyped bench, and corkscrewing like a flare-out of the Apollo moon craft, he stretched out both arms. Reaching back with the claw that didn't get a chance to touch the blood of the ball, he somehow both swiped and pushed Delonte's face.

I like Delonte Delmonte. The Pienapple Splice is such an amazingly well rounded player. But the only thing worse than that would to be also urinated on.

Cavs lost, but so what? It was such fine NBA action and robust commentary.

Good to be back. I make no promises.

Cavs win in game refereed by Captain Crunch

—and other existential notes exploring the black man’s authoritative role in basketball’s form and the white man's taxin'



Lebron did nothing. The Cavs blew their lead. They mis-communicated and under-performed. On the last play of regulation in Monday’s 76er contest, after a true basketball shot was made 76er Michael James, Lebron drove poorly and was blocked. Devon Brown was then bumped in a mutation of a play that didn’t matter. Everyone walks off the court. Then they walk back on to see Devon hit two free throws. What? Phili should’ve won, didn’t. Fuck it. Watch ESPN or something.

Devon Brown said after the win: “I couldn’t see anything or focus on anything. Emotional.”

“I just wanted to get it up in the air. And they went in. Hey?”

Cavs announcer Antoine Carr said he had “ice water in his veins.” More like gummy bears.

Why Ohio teams love to win seemingly finished games via technicality is beyond my comprehension. And that sucks because winning by the whistle is cheap.

The other homer Cavs announcer Fred Mcleod said Samuel Dalembert had “the look of a man who committed a sin.” Tears hadn’t formed but his face did have the upturned salad look of imminent sadness. That and Sam raised his hand, but in the deafening confusion limply let it fall as no one knew what was happening.

“Sin”, eh? The foul is the sin. Basketball is the thing. The rules are the boundaries of the thing. Basketball’s rules could change anytime and we’d still have basketball. God is life, society its boundaries. We could change society anytime and still have life.

We could easily change it.

But we don’t. Society changes stupidly and with hiccups and riders good ol’boy networks. I’d like to stake claim on the overall kindness in the white man’s culture, but he certainly has a lot of pedantic rules that seem to kill the essence of an activity’s intent, like enjoying life or understanding that in the matter-of-factness of basketball the hand is part of the ball and sometimes players just run into each other and that's ok.

Which leads me to this question.

If the black man had invented basketball, would there be fouls? If that is incorrect and someone shows me that the sport was in fact invented by the black man, fine. Whatever. Then the question remains, if the black man had control of the game, would there be fouls? Or at the least, would the foul structure and referee regulation change. For the better? For the worse?

Presumably if Obama wins the election, some change will come in this country's societal structure. It seems obvious that if any black person had some true power, he would change the prison hierarchy straight away. So many men and women get wrung by our system, mostly because of drugs, poverty and mis-education. These are all fouls, but should they mean you can't play? People who like three-strikes laws — white men in power — say yes.

Talk about the phantom foul call of all sins: drugs. It makes sense drug addicts be dealt with medically and not criminally. It makes sense that two people running and jumping next to each other at top speed might touch. Yet each is dealt with criminally.

It doesn't make sense that so many shady-ass dudes (drug suppliers) have a lot of power in this country just because we don't want to part with some bogus anachronistic ideal of leftover puritan dreck. It doesn't make sense that refs have so much power. Yet each is left to his own devices?

The players play. They decide. Fouls are not basketball. Fouls are rules. They can be changed. The beauty of the game is free motion, not arbitration. The essence of basketball is the round ball, running, jumping, throwing, aiming, teamwork and individual creativity. We can change anything but that and still have basketball. Foul shots are more like croquet anyway.

Double bonus, team penalty, one-and-one— scrap it all.

Why should there foul outs? Jeff van Gundy is the only guy I’ve ever heard voice it, at least in a live broadcast, that it’s ridiculous players foul out.

Damn right.

Take a step out of basketball culture’s shoes and think about it terms of weighing all the action against all the consequence. It feels like a fly-by-night rule someone thought up just because there needed to be a rule. Like it was 1893 and the first ever rule book went to press at 8 a.m. the next day, but the scribe was busy boffing. That’s seriously how shit gets started in this culture. A screw up makes it to print and sits around for a hundred years, its perception gilding with time. To those in the greatest generation and the boomers, the older and more irrelevant something becomes, the wiser it is. A precedent it is.

Bullshit it is.

In the microwaveable Ramen cup generation, it's wack that some industrial revolution era opium fiend slept in and never correctly crafted a penalty structure, and now here we are in 2008 stuck with Devon Brown’s gummy worm cool winning a kangaroo court. I think Devon Brown is gay. (Devon, if you’re not, cool. I am not saying I have proof, I am just guessing you’re gay. If someone said about me they thought I was gay, I’d just be like, ‘Whatever, I know I’m not and my girlfriend is the smoke.’ So, if you’re not gay, I hope you just say that and move on. But if you are gay, I fuckin’ knew it.)


----------//


P.S. Everything I feared about the Cavs trade is coming to fruition. Staph infection in Z’s brain coming next. Four doesn’t replace two and Delonte is the golden pear, a legend, a myth, a bygone tale of treasure and catastrophe.

Will Starbucks Save Basketball?

Finally someone is stepping up and telling David Stern and Clay Bennett to stop robbing Seattle of their basketball team. And that certain someone just so happens to make a delicious caramel macchiato ("caramel, espresso and steamed milk makes this a signature Starbucks drink")

"Starbucks chairman and CEO Howard Schultz, who sold the Sonics to an Oklahoma City-based group led by Clay Bennett, will not seek monetary damages, but wants the team back, according to his attorney, Richard Yarmuth." - full article here.

Yes - the owner of Starbucks , with enough money to sue God herself, is going after Clay's OK regime. And I couldn't be happier. Hell, he could call them the Super-Howards for all I care. I just think Seattle's getting a raw deal.


photo caption: sooo many similarities between these two.

Now I won't feel so bad supporting a coffee mega-corp. Wait, I never really did. That coffee is damn good. MMMMMMMMMMM... Tastes even better now.


photo caption: I just couldn't resist.
this broad's hair is dope and he's the best muppet ever.

Phantastical Staph Infections

photo caption: my rogue cleric is kind of a 2/3 slasher with tremendous upside.

1. My b-ball fantasy team is "battling" for third place. And by battling I mean "after I was knocked out of the championship I switched back to an all-homer squad." So welcome aboard Daquan and Conley! I can honestly blame a staph infection for my poor performance. Back in the early goings of the League season, Kenyon Martin had a staph infection in his ass. Seriously. With those knees, and a staph infection in the tookus, I waived him. With a quickness. Then his ass recovered and went on to have a career-year. Whatever. Like you people give a rat's ass about my fantasy team. (ZING!) But it leads me to my next point...


DO NOT GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH "STAPH INFECTION"

2. Browns' WR Joe Jurevicius has a staph infection. Are we starting this already, Browns? Dammit!!! Really?!? We lead the league every year in these infections, I swear. NOTE TO SAVAGE: GET JANITORS. And keep our players out of the river, would you? At least until the stiches are removed. You'd think this is common sense.


photo caption: The New 2008 Browns Logo Finally Unveiled


3. Lastly, and certainly most completely related, is this gem of a find of the fantasy baseball waiver wire. Angel Pagan's fantasy notes are this summer's must-read... "Pagan is a good pickup in all formats as he is now hitting .387 with 10 RBI." ... "Pagan hit in the leadoff spot over the weekend with SS Jose Reyes out with a hamstring injury." Angel Pagan is making big things happen for the Mets- how does he do it? Here's a few guesses: (1) Astral Projection (the Monroe Technique, of course!) (2) Power Animals (3) Goddess Oil.

My guess is #3, but Angel's not returning any of my texts, so really I have no way of knowing.


photo caption: totally killing it on my fantasy squad.

Sit Down, Damon Jones

Reportedly and statistically, Damon Jones is out of Mike Brown's rotation for the playoffs:

"As Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown has tightened his rotation for the playoffs, he has again decided to stop playing Damon Jones. There is only enough room for four players at the guard positions, and Brown is going with Delonte West, Daniel Gibson, Devin Brown and Wally Szczerbiak. Mike Brown made the same call regarding Jones in each of the past two seasons.... Jones has struggled in certain defensive situations (editor's note: ALL DEFENSIVE SITUATIONS) during his time with the Cavs, which has contributed to the coach's decision. " - full "article" here.


photo caption: even GP thinks you are terrible to be around.

Checklist for decision-making:
1. Damon Jones is a defensive liability. always.
2. Wally's good shot is back. thank God.
3. Boobie is back. thank God.
4. And Damon is just plain annoying. always.

Well played, Mike Brown.

Jiminy Christmas! (or) How I Learned to Hate You Cricket Wizard

How I fear you, Wizard.
For now matter what happens now,
we will meet in the first round.
Your tempest spells; our +2 leather armor.



So top in college-
So amazing in League Play!
How have you been traded so many times?
Pray your hip flexor flexes you yet again.

Stay down Wizard!

STAY DOWN.




death don't play - keep away

Take A Hint, Steven A. Smith

Heard today on 1460theFan that Steven A. Smith has just lost his ESPN radio talk show... this coming in the same year that he lost his "Quite Frankly" ESPN television talk show, as well as his sports column at the Philadelphia Inquirer that got him started in the first place...

Now's your chance Steven. Time to change the game.

STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE.

People get yelled at all day: by their bosses, spouses, parents, kids, angry drivers, etc... When people come home to watch SportsCenter or basketball, they don't want the pattern to continue. It's a game Steven, and it's supposed to be fun.

Steven, listen. You can call me if you need to talk. But don't start yelling, ok? Cause I swear I'll just hang up. You're not the only one who's had a long day today.






btw - happy 50th post, THM.

Chuck Liddel Wishes He Had A YouTube

photo caption: K-Fed looks to save Iceman the trouble.


Evidently, Chuck Lidell has a problem with the popularity of Kimbo Slice... and maybe the new deal with CBS.

“I could make some impressive knockout videos too if you let me walk outside and just punch people and knock them out—“hey you, come fight!” Liddell told The Sun. “F*** we can make a highlight reel tomorrow and go round beating people up and talking about it. We could just go up to people and start dropping them. Wow!”

Yeah. It's called Bumfights, Chuck. Get the internet.

read it all here. (thanks Unkie Matt for the link)

Kaniel Dickens, Cavalier.

the following is a real email exchange between Fil & Boombox regarding Kaniel and this photo...

F: that's his real name and he plays, currently, for the cavaliers

B: best chest passes ever

F: except when you catch it, the ball is flat and your hands are bleeding. And Kaniel. Just. Keeps. Running. At. You. "We're on the same team! AHHHHHHHH........"

B: "NO KANIEL NO! DAMMIT KANIEL!" it's why he never stays out of the D-League for long...just realized his name would be cooler if he was daniel kickens. maybe that is why he is so mad all the time. simmer down dude.

F: totally, that was the first thing I thought. His real name sounds like an accidental pronouncing. Of course he throws it as hard as he can every time.

* * * * *

if he reads this, we are totally dead.

Presented as hilarious, unto itself

Yo, check it yourself.



Don, that is your real card for life. The shitty thing is he was the first dopeness from NY, even before Pearl. And his nickname was Slick, which is right up there with Fast and Two Times as least trustworthy nicknames. Although Slick enjoyed actively improving the community and is still beloved in Seattle. Thourh you could argue that just means he's satisfying the requirement to be slick.

Why the card doesn't say Slick, who knows? Apparently everyone called him such. Maybe the Topps brass had something against Slick, like he slept with the V.P.'s daughter after she went to a game. Topps sure didn't do him any favors in the pose.

Also, look in the background of that card. I bet those Sonics teams sure had fun bake sales. 'Slick, who put the mescaline in the banana muffin again?' Then they all laugh because each did.

Slick was also the first dude to really rock the headband, not just wear it. Peep the decoration? Wayne Chism is gnashing.



Slick, in honor of your fine choices in personal ornamentation and Chris Paul actin' bitchmade and truly birthing his self into the next Isaiah, you're injury-addled but 'super good dude' career makes you Tonight's High Man— that and the new Cavs bums are sooo pissing me off. And Sonic love may be a dying endeavor, so....

... to an OG THM, SLICK WATTS!!!!

This is Worse Than Roger Clemens in the Owner's Box

He's Back.

"Showing a flare for the dramatic, Arenas waited until the 5:30 mark of the first quarter of the Wizards' game against Milwaukee on Wednesday night to emerge from the locker room in uniform.

He entered the game 9 seconds later to a big ovation and scored on a reverse layup with 4:49 left in the first. It was his first points since Nov. 16 against Minnesota."

When I search for dramatic flare, know what I find?

Tonight's High Man Is...

Pau Gasol. (take notes, Adam Morrison. and insulin. zing!)

why?
1. Cause he's pretty dern good.
2. He was traded for his own brother. Like an orphan. Or indentured servant. For some reason I really admire that.
3. Cause the photo above even exists. AND especially this one.

I love you NBA.

Tonight's High Man Is...

Souksangouane Phengsene. This guy can't be stopped.

5 bucks to the man who can name the origin of this name - cause guess what? it ain't on geneology.com... imagine that.

RIP Malik.

It was the spiders

— NBA rock legend J.R. (don't call me names from the Bible) Rider arrested in stolen car




Now, J.R. Love, as we all know, invented the East Bay Funk Dunk, which is legend because it was the first world-witnessed spectacle of a through-the-legs dunk. The technical savvy in the art has been since elevated in the software upgrades of Vince, another J.R. (Jason Richardson), Gerald Green and... on and... Soon someone is going to do a flip and the EBFD will be but a coffee stain on the Final Summation.

J.R. gave us such Lawrence Taylor-esque gems as claiming he could be found hanging out on street corners shooting dice with his friends in Oakland because — of course — those are his friends and that's what they/"we" do.

And now he's stealing cars and racking up cocaine possession charges. [Sigh.] Doing coke with J.R. seems like it would just be a nightmare wave of never-ending repetitious fragments aimed generally at you about how fly he was.

J.R., you just wanted to get too close to the sun. Too high. Too fast. Too young. All that rock. All that dust. Back to Mars, J.R., you were too hot for this world.

The story of the first true Rider sure was entertaining though, if truncated and peppered with ill decision. It's comforting in a twisted way to know that little J.R.s like Richardson and Smith are out there abiding— takin' it wild for all us easy goers. Indeed, to one of the greats:




_____________________________________________


Oh, yeah, Filly the Grid is getting up and getting stronger getting stronger GETTING STRONGER in the brackets. All you MFn Freddie Fall Offs can eat it up 'til you hic' it up. Did anyone else hear Billy Packer talking about high-cotton during Memphis-Texas garbage time? Racist.

Anyone anyway?

Tonight's High Man: Lebron James. The King said of his Vogue cover with Ms. Jizm: "Everything my name is on is going to be criticized in a good way or bad way. Who cares what anyone says?"

Appreciate that. Zen. Everyone in the world can say that about their self at any time. But to say it from within the magnitude of a spiritual pressure in which only a few humans deal, that is some flowing robes brilliance. Sometimes Lebron seems like such a caricature, a new jack MJ in the sales racket, saying the right thing, turning the triple profit. But then he does something like drop a koan, or walk up and introduce his self to Tiger like a regular adult greeting a co-worker— and Tiger is certainly that.

Together Tiger and Lebron run separate departments in the business of athletic stardom; topline models, no garage-station knockoffs.

How are you doing in your tourneys? I'm 164 out of 171 in this ultra competitive Asian league that cuts the ass cheeks off the last-place finisher. I got solids coming up in the sweet 16 though. Please god, be solid.

Now, in the spirit of the tourney, THM presents some ol'-timey college yack-em.



______________________________________________

Axis: Ball as Love

Hendrix Set to Enter The NBA Draft.

Bill Walton stoked.

Chris Webber R.I.P.

R.I.P. Chris Webber. I'll hardly miss you.

Wait - he's not dead? Merely retired? Ah hell. He's still dead to me.

Take it away, J.A. Adande!

"His career can almost be defined by what he didn't accomplish: never won an NCAA championship, never played in the NBA Finals, never won a Most Valuable Player award, despite all of that talent. What will end up as the high point of his playing days -- two trips to the NCAA's championship game in two years of college -- isn't even recognized by Michigan because of a booster payout scandal. Gone. Not there. Stricken from the record."

I can't believe J.A. left out the failure of his rap album, "2 Much Drama."



(I did NOT Photoshop this. This is actually real.)

Things are Going so Well.

I thought the trade was a gift from Yahweh him/herself. Fil thought is was blasphemous. Somewhere in between is probably the truth, and in the end, no one knows whether this move will turn out good or bad for the team. Until we truly know, all we can make are judgments based on statistics and outcomes. And how many hearing-impaired players are on your team.

Well, we've gone and signed a deaf man.
To play professionally.
For the Cavs.

I'm serious.

Look, I'm all about this kid finally getting League pay, living the dream, and ultimately helping Cleveland to the playoffs by giving our 4 bigs a big rest before the playoffs. But the headline alone worries me: "Cavs Sign League's First Legally Deaf Player"





Right now, somewhere Damon Jones is pissed because he always considered himself the Cavs' most deaf...



Actually, all the other Cavs consider the new guy pretty lucky -

he can't hear Damon Jones talk.

Delonte West is Cinemax

ESPN featured Lebron talking to Tiger Woods at the Orlando Magic's house Monday. The ol' nba.com doesn't even show it. But the highlight du jour was Delonte blocking former St. Josephian Jameer Nelson — on a fast break that started because Delonte tried to find Big Z with a time warp pass attempt-gone-turnover. This was sometime around mid 3rd.

But there was even a show before that. Delonte spun out of everything around him, over and over, like you just kept hitting the spin-move button — each time you got the ball. And Delmonte, the Good Fruit, kept getting rebounds. He always seemed to get the rock out of a muddle in the paint. He was an illustration of energy at high control.

Accuracy at scatterbrained rates is what has always attracted me to sport. But what DGF did is not what ESPN shows us on its abasement parade of dunks and final shots that zoom in on the ball so no one sees what's actually going on in the place where the activity is happening. Sidenote: Instead, sports videographers have been taught the baffling technique of zooming in on the one inanimate object around which the game is played. They think this is brilliant but all it does is take us to the one dead zone in an orgy of live drama. What Delonte does, some may say, is only to be noticed by the sports pedant. I say he's doing something right there for everyone to see, pop culture just chooses to focus on shock and awe. That's not a condemnation, per se, I want to see dunks too. But, and this is why owning the LPass or having NBA TV is so crucial, Delmonte Fruit spinning back and forth and dribbling behind his back 90' from his own basket to start a fast break is fucking amazing.

And they'll never show it again.

This is why the sports argument wins over the counter argument raised by girlfriends that dedicating time to watching sports is the same as watching reality television. They replay that shit until the advertisers' palms are pruned. Sports happenings happen once. If notably iconic, clips of a few plays may live on from an entire year of playoffs. On the long timeline, only a few seconds of life carry the entire history of even the most noted sports and their so-claimed and sometimes deserved "defining moments." All the other bits of spectacular are only reviewed by austere historians. In essence, this is what makes ESPN Classic a good idea. Not that it's executed well.

So, from a forgettable Cavs loss, gone forever is the 'double L'Emmanuelle': a spin move so luxurious they only made it in Europe, but in the late 90s a template was stolen, only to be re- lost somewhere in urban East of America. We know who found that tape. And it ain't Walleye ScerBRICK.

Big 3s and dunks will always get the bands and waves, but the grand marshall always remembers the face of one small boy waving in the crowd, not the plaque. No one asks if you'll tell them about the plaque, they want to know what happened around it. They want to know who you had to fight dirty against, where the extra gas was hidden and why your gutter perspective is gleaming.

History doesn't record the perfect moments, it keeps its own files in terms of things like plaques and stats and highlights.

Recognize and Rest In Peace.

First, I can't cleanly deny Fil's assessment of Wally to the Cavs so far - and I admit I am too much of a homer to clearly judge what his affect will be on the team. Hell, I even have him on my fantasy team. And through statistical data, that's partially why I can't ignore that Fil is actually making sense here.... Wally is shooting 32% since joining the Cavs. He shot 46% with the SuperSonics, and was their 2nd-leading scorer behind Durant. Last night, he played 12 minutes.

But here's what doesn't show up on a stat sheet:



Crazy.
Latrell Sprewell is pulling Wally away from a fight. A fight with Gary Payton no less. I LIKE THIS. I don't like how low Wally jumps, but I love that he backs down from no one.

And so it goes- the ups and downs of ol' Walleye. He's on his 3rd team in 2 years. He just had his third child right after being traded. He's tired. (I'm tired.) But calling him bitch-made, Fil? No. Wally's mother is a fine Spanish woman. DeShawn Stevenson is bitch-made. So is Bruce Bowen. And so is Tiki Barber, but I don't have to present evidence to that last point. The first two, please allow me to demonstrate, to Fil and the world, what truly is "bitch-made."

Case Point #1 - Bruce Bowen. (Case Point #1A why I hate the Spurs. Points 1A-3L to be presented at a later date)

! !

The look on his face after the call (not even on him), and the subsequent suspension (so very long overdue) -and hell, just the way he sounds on talk radio. What mother made you? I hate your cheap shots, you are not invited to my party.

Case Point #2 - DeShawn Stevenson (aka BooBoo Dooden's BFF from O-Town)
This week DeShawn Stevenson of the Wizz called Lebron "overrated." Read that again. Here's the proof. Please DeShawn, take your beard and go back to Oakland. They need you there doing Civil War reenactments. You'll play Abe. I'll be Wilkes-Booth. Is it a date?



When I read it again, I can't help but hating the authors bloggers as well.
Seriously. Look at these faces:



One of these busters said the following: "He (LeBron) also didn't like getting knocked to the ground by Brendan Haywood late in the game. The foul wasn't all that bad but James reacted as if Big Brendan crushed him. He had that scowl he gets and he was looking at the ref like the guy forgot to mow his lawn or something. If you remember, Brendan gave out a similar hard foul in the playoffs during the 2006 series. For a guy who always talks about how he played football in high school, LeBron sure doesn't like contact."

"Like he forgot to mow his lawn or something."
Insert eye-rolling emoticon here. Seriously, you guys are fags.


Now for a couple of personal notes:



1. I started architecture school this week, George-Costanza-style. Expect my input to be mas limited. Fil, pick up the slack. Or maybe Big D or Dr. Passion or J Rhodesia would like to join the ranks. Invites are needed o'blog-master.

2. RIP, Mac Morrison.















so awesome they even named the gym after you.
I wish I got to know you better.
...I'll be in Bucyrus for the funeral.

so for now, Happy Saint Patty's Day. drunkards.

And I can't find work? Anderson Varejao = Brazil Laimbeer

So, sorry I haven't been around to comment. I missed you, but hunting for a job is the shittiest of all the jobs to have. But there've been so many high men out there lately that my absence, dutiful or not, can no longer suffice.

Terrel Prior being made into an action figure: amazing. And the fan who got too excited about Lebron's fiddy, Monica Seles anyone?

First I want to announce the the nickname of Anderson Varejao. I've been referring to him as Brazil Laimbeer for two seasons and it needs to hit the internets — BIG — because he's finally hitting the jumper. And he shoots it on his tip-toes, just like the original Laimbeer, the lame beer.



You know what's fuct about the picture above? It's only from last year. And just for the record, I hated Bill Laimbeer. When you call someone at school a "fuck" — he's a "fuck". And that's his game, he stood in the lane and tried to fuck you. Varejao is an equal but opposite Laimbeer, he stands in the middle of the lane waiting for you to fuck him.

Laimbeer is white, Varejao is Brown. Short straight hair, long curly hair. Even number, odd number. But both are lanky, duck-footed with soft-hands and a knack for stirring frustration.

Also, I like Sideshow Varejao. Laimbeer, as much as he was easy to hate, was a doGGG and he was vital to the Bad Boys signature. Varejao is that for the Cavs. Every other team hates him and even some Cavs fans hate him, but he's our Brazil Laimbeer, and when the Cavs win it all in two years, he'll be there hoisting the trophy... while laying on the ground.

Brazil Laimbeer. Spread it.


____________________________________________________


I'd also like to reiterate my fears about the Cavs trade, the most deep-seeded of which is that the Bulls turn it around, make the playoffs as the 6 and defeat Cleveland in Round 1. LBJ's points are up and his assists are down. You know how a degree or two temperature change, on a large enough scale, is devastating? Those stats are the tells of basketball team chemistry plate tectonic pressure. Somewhere deep within the Cavs structure, a crack is fissuring.

Delonte is nice though. He's a red-haired, lefty, tweener who is perfectly cogent but sounds a little like a short-bus version of Tim Meadows' Ladies Man, with a strawberry on his lower lip. That's Free Darko as far a I know. Inventing another short-hand descriptor would be redundant. Delonte and his FD-ness makes plays, and despite his waif silhouette he gets up on the glass.

Please stay healthy.

Fuck ScerBRICK. Anybody who sympathizes with him 'n his is bitchmade. Joe Smith has been interesting. The other night Ben Wallace had four rebounds in the first 5 minutes. He finished with 6. Asshole.
____________________________________________________




The Phoeniz Suns mascot is choking on the gunk in his throat in this amazing anti-tobacco campaign that seems to've learned nothing from the Just Say No ads that created a generation of Yes.

The gorilla raps. And there's separate sections for "Talk to Us" and then the more free form "Rap to Us". The best is the site is called personalfoul.org and there's no Rasheed. It is an anti-smoking campaign I s'pose.
____________________________________________________


Finally, this week's THM is the group of illegal immigrants who sewed the word "Los" on the Suns and Spurs jerseys before Sunday's contest. This collage is dedicated to them:

Notes from the Heat Wave.

1. More awesome news for fans of Miami basketball (I am not one of them) - Dwayne Wade is surprisingly hurt again, and Pat Riley is too busy to coach because he is so into March Madness. Go Heat!

2. Earlier, in a post where I ripped the Houston Rockets after Yao's broken foot, I also took exception to the rest of Houston's roster. I called out Tracy, Rafer, some other dude, and Carl Landry. Well, Houston has won 18 straight and Carl Landry is balling out of control. Touché, Carl. Touché. Happy to motivate you. For the record, some other dude can still suck it for all I care. I hate you Texas. All of you. If I could give you back to Mexico, I would.




3. Bill Simmons wrote a great "what if" piece on the League. SO great. remember Jay Williams from Duke? Should have been you, Kellen Winslow.

I Heard Cat Stevens Hates the Olympics too.

link: That dern Dalai - what a gossiper!